So everyone knows about these children actors who have a breakout role as a child and are loved by all. They then follow through and do some other movies, but being so young and vulnerable (imagine Leopold “Butters” Stotch”) their down fall is usually before they can legally drive a car. Corruption seeps into these children’s lives....or they just finally figure out about drugs. You are most likely thinking to yourself, where in gods name is this story going. Well, I do not feel guilty for Macaulay Culkin. Instead I started looking into my favorite childhood sports movies. I then started looking at children’s whose breakthrough came in these favorites of mine.
Jackie Earle Haley - This young actor played Kelly Leak, the stud baseball star who also doubled as a bad ass motorcycle punk in the original Bad News Bears. This movie came out in 1976 when Haley was a young, cigarette smoking teen, who by all senses of the term; dropped bombs. So this leads us to 2010, an astonishing 34 years later. What in gods name could Jackie Earle Haley have done in those 34 years. Well, the only reason I would have ever found this guy was because I saw Nightmare on Elm Street. Yep the same guy who played Kelly Leak, 34 years later stuns people as the accused kiddy toucher Freddy Krueger. The only reason I looked it up to, is because while watching it I was wondering “whose this donkey that talks like Christian Bale portraying Batman.” Sure Haley also played Rorschach in Watchmen, but who cares. The only other notable role this guy landed in 34 years was Semi-Pro. He plays Dukes. Dukes is the long haired hippie who is usually shirt less in the movie. So I mean to sum up Jackie Earle Haley’s career, he was a hit in a child movie which was made golden by the late great Walter Matthau. He then appeared in a variety of different titles that no one in their right mind would know. He re appeared to glory in Semi - Pro playing a minor role, in which no way anyone recognized him from his child hood, although he did still have that sunshine long hair. He then stars in movies that require him to wear a mask/have a deformed face. For this I salute you Jackie Earle Haley, a journey man of the cinema.
Thomas Ian Nicholas - “Rowengartner, you're going in.” Who could forget this kid, the infamous Rookie of the Year. Nicholas portrayed a goof ball kid, who breaks his arm, and after some funky butt loving, makes it to The Chicago Cubs. Sure there may be a little more to the story, but those details are unimportant. I mean this kid strikes gold right. Starring alongside Gary Busey. Busey playing Chet Steadman, the washed up starter turned nice guy pitching coach. So you would totally expect this kid to go on to do huge things with his career. No. Ok yeah sure he’s in the American Pie series. In the first one he dates Tara Reid (which I might add was 2 years before Tom Brady getting to that..and a lot of others for that matter). The young adolescent reaches out to older brother (Casey Affleck) for advice on what to do with his lady friend. Sure he learns about the “Tongue Tornado” (which during that scene they are playing Celebrity Skin by Hole...Irony) and he eventually gets laid at the end. That moment in film eventually lead to his demise in film. Thomas Ian Nicholas breaks off his relationship with Tara Reid to go onto college. The movie then came out with a sequel. Nicholas is heartbroken about his break up all movie long. He lies about how many chicks he’s slept with (I had a bad case of loser denial myself until the lacrosse team shoved a parking cone up my ass). At the huge blow out end of the summer party, Tara Reid shows up with a date. He then spends the night reminiscing with her. Then comes American Wedding, which he clearly has no interest in girls. The end. Thomas Ian Nicholas, you set yourself up for an awesome career, and just really tanked it. Should have taken more advice from Gary Busey.
Patrick Renna - Not much to say on this one. This is the ginger catcher from The Sandlot. He also played the ginger goalie in The Big Green. Besides that, he has been in nothing more than random episodes of TV shows and crappy movies since. My guess is that Patrick Renna is looking to follow in the footsteps of say Jackie Earle Haley. Bad news, its only been 17 years since The Sandlot, sorry Patrick you still have to wait another 17 more years.
Joshua Jackson - Absolutely Captain Duck is making this list. Charlie Conway did something Gordon Bombay could not. The infamous triple deke. Mighty Ducks ends with Charlie and the Ducks on top of the Minneapolis pee wee hockey circuit. Can you think of anything more prestigious? So next the sequel hits us. Gordon Bombay coaches USA. They have too many good players, so to make room for “Cake Eater” Adam Banks and Russ Tyler (Kenan Thompson’s Movie Debut: Snakes On A Plane star..obviously), Charlie gives up his spot and pretends to be Bombays assistant coach. What teen EVER wanted to give up the glory of playing to coach? So similar to Thomas Ian Nicholas, were looking at a classic case of career suicide. Well Jackson went on to be on a variety of random movies. These are at least movies people have heard of like The Skulls, Cruel Intentions, and Apt Pupil. None of those however are by any means a blockbuster. I will be the first to admit it though, Jackson made it. Jackson made it big. He starred in Dawsons Creek, which im pretty sure every chick watched. I cannot judge, im sure the show was pretty gay, but with every chick watching it, your bound to be loved somewhere.
Buddy the Dog - I recently read in an interview that Boston Celtics Point Guard Rajon Rondo said he based his whole playing style of Buddy The Dog’s performance in Air Bud. I can totally understand this. When Norm Snively (the mean clown played by Michael Jeter best known for being the crazy dude in Waterworld) wasn’t abusing poor Buddy, Buddy was dominating the basketball court and the hearts of young children. So what did Buddy do after his movie break through of Air Bud? Nothing. Air Bud - Golden Receiver was dedicated to the dog who made the original story possible. But how could they do that? Are they assuming that Buddy was just a one sport athlete? I mean Golden Receiver was released one year after the original, did the producers think Buddy had lost a step? It’s like Terrence Howard starring in Iron Man, then in Iron Man 2 they just replace him with a look alike Don Cheadle. Well I will not stand for this. I want street justice.
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